Uff this prolonged longing for the long gone.

You know, the scary thing about relationships is that there is no way you can hide who are you from the person you are in a relationship with. Whatever odd quirky eccentricity you have will be revealed to the other person in due course of time. And that can be scary for those of us who don't fart out butterflies, if you get what I'm saying.

There are lots of things we spruce up before we head out the door. Hair, makeup, contact lenses - yes. Weird habits, granny panties, dysfunctional childhood, etc - under the bed. But this person, with whom you're about to share every being of your self with, they're going to know all about everything. And you just have to hope that they'll stick with you despite it. Or if you're lucky, because of it.

So I was lucky enough to meet someone who forced me to be myself on an everyday basis. Here are some things I've done with him that I don't usually do with anyone except maybe sometimes my really close friends. Or not even them (the PG rated list)

1. Wore my glasses in the mornings.
2. Left my hair in an unruly mess.
3. Cried my heart out.
4. Cooked horrible food for (which he still ate and complimented)
5. Thrown up in front of and been a disgusting drunk mess in general.
6. Expressed my weird need that he be in his own house so I could... you know.. shit. (Funny story.. he thought I  had problems with him because I was telling him to go home for such a ridiculous reason.)
7. Told him how I actually feel about him (the good and the bad)
8. Talked about family. And future dreams.
9. Named our imaginary child Momo.
10. Eaten in my full messy glory. With mayonnaise dripping down my chin and whatnot.

There's probably lots of other things. And the thing is, I learned so many things about him that I normally wouldn't know, and that make him the person that he is. I'm glad that I got to know someone so damn well.

Ironically, when I told my first boyfriend that I wanted to get to know him completely, he completely stopped calling. Ah well, probably didn't have much to say.

A lot of self reflection has been happening lately. Mostly because there's just so much goddamn time to think about things. And I realized that sometimes, it's just really hard to talk to people. Just some people. Actually a lot people. These people come in the category of those that I have some respect for and want to keep talking to.

See, the people who I don't care about are really easy to talk to. Because, deep down, I think I have a superiority complex somewhere. I say what's on my mind and dare them to judge me. Low risk involved with these sorts of people. Being myself with these people is what actually helped me have the most interesting conversations.

Then, there's the close friends. The people I love and trust. Those are easy as well. Even if we don't communicate for days on end, I know it will be the same.

Then there's the horde of outside friends with whom occur the awkward conversations. The conversations are only good for short witty banter (if lucky) or awkwardly asking about their families. And other awkward areas of life and sordidness.

You know who's fault it is? My mother's. For feeding me when I was young and making me so fat that no one ever talked to me, hence robbing me of gaining the skill of social interaction.

I miss that chubby girl. She had it all figured out. 

If God has a plan for everyone, why are there homeless people?

I mean, what if that's the plan for me? To live a decrepit life of poverty in a box under a highway, brains addled by cheap liquor and heroine, with a graying cat named Cat for company? Wrinkly and haggard.

I think I'd walk with a staff. And slouch towards happy kids, prophesizing of the return of the Great Toad of Yore with great and dramatic hand gestures. And a missing tooth.

That could be a plan. Hmmm.

Day Huh What?

So I realized, I'm really bad at sticking to a resolution that involves daily activity. And I also start a lot of sentences with 'So'. And 'Anyway.'

So, anyway, here I am to rant about your timing, and the timing of the universe. I was struck with the realization that, a long time ago, after a year of longing, after I had finally moved on, God took notice of my earlier wish, and so set in motion a series of events that were to cause everyone a lot of pain, but would in the end result in the fulfillment of the aforementioned wish.

Here's the story.

Boy meets Girl. Girl likes boy. Boy is dating someone else. Girl wishes she would stand a chance. Boy ignores Girl. Girl starts moving on, finding love in someone else. Boy and girlfriend start fighting. Girl falls for other boy. Boy and girlfriend kind of break up. Girl meets Boy again. Girl is dating someone else. Boy and Girl talk, laugh and fucking fall for each other. boyfriend hurt. girlfriend hurt. Hence Boy and Girl hurt.

God: Whaaat, I gave you what you wanted, didn't I? Kids these days.

True, true. Boy and Girl pick up the pieces. Make a new puzzle. Try to fit the pieces together the best that they can. That's what it's all about, in the end, isn't it? That, and a few chocolate tarts here and there.

But now we have to slowly dissemble the pieces of the puzzle.

day 10

Thoughts of the day!

1) Haircuts suck.

2) Long car drives have started making me nauseous. Thank you Pune.

3) I miss everything but this place.

4) He did it again! 

5) I really can't stick to a decision.

6) I haven't had many thoughts today.

Oh and good news! I might still have a future!

day 9

In order to not get hurt in life, you must remember that people are expendable. The people who remain in your life deserve to stay there, but the ones you keep fighting to keep... after a point you have to realize that you must let go. There will be more. Maybe that seems like looking into a gloomy void right now. But eventually the void will decrease to a light at the end of a lonesome tunnel. If it doesn't, hey, I'm sure you should go back and call that person. Because maybe you've got some past life karma to work out. Maybe. Bollywood movies have made me think a little fantastically. Fantasyishly? You get the point right?

You know what's annoying though? The person who you've finally decided to let go of, gives a reason for his or her behaviour, and you decide to rethink your decision to let them go. And then they go and do the same thing again. And then again you must steel your heart and be ready to let them go. And again they apologize. And so it continues.

At this point, you must realize that you definitely do have a past life connection. It's almost always with the people we find hardest to detach from.


Children are always fascinating. Without any current life karma. I mean, I'm sure no kid would hold a lifetime grudge if another kid ate his crayons. 


What if there was a child? What if that child was somehow symbolic of something? I don't know yet what it could be symbolic of. A deep connection between two people? Well that's pretty obvious. Is it symbolic of some weird connection? A reason that they will never let go? Is it symbolic of something we are trying to avoid having to face? Why is it, sorry he or she, there? 


What is this strange bond between a mother and a child? What thoughts come into her head about the father? It's really scary to imagine this happening. There's a wall there, stopping any thoughts from being thought. An anvil which squashes any thoughts that might come up.


This is definitely not the time. But I don't know what this connection is, between you and me. But it's there. Even if  I tried to get away from it. Even if tomorrow I decided not to talk to you the entire day. I don't know if I could. The thought of not talking to you an entire day is really scary. 


If I write an auto biography, it would start like this, "Once upon a time, my life was carefree and idyllic. Then one day, I met you." 


Okay so it's not one of the most inspired things I've come up with. Shall keep working on that. In the meantime, if you're reading this, please don't feel bad like you are prone to feeling after things like this. By some insane fucking karmic logic, I still love you.