"Oh my god, I think I'm falling in love with you!"

*cue to swoon*

hourglass

a lot of things on my mind, a lot of random thoughts. i wish someone hadn't closed the word document where i was working on my amazingly fantastic short story, which i will now never continue because it was a one off thing that i unfortunately never saved. it was awesome though, about this whore and well maybe one day it'll come back.

time is running out. in life. in college. on my laptop battery. things will rush past really fast in the next few months, and it's hard to know you're going to be saying goodbye to some people, possibly not hearing their wiseass remarks for a long time. never cribbing about how broke we are as a communal of sorts ever again. never letting time pass us by slowly, watching the sun smolder, turning into the orange moon. sure, we'll get over it eventually. but there's just never enough time.

really really never enough time. this isn't the time to be profound and deep and meaningful. it's about appreciating what we have before it's gone. the hourglass is nearly empty. and just yesterday (was it really almost three years ago?) it seemed limitless.

leaving bites.

but the thought of you makes me really happy, for some odd reason

the first man in my life

I've known him for years and years. I know his mannerisms, I know when he's annoyed, when he's happy, when he's excited and what pisses him off. Throughout the years though, he's retained his mysteries. But let me explain a bit about the type of person he is, the amount that I know.

I'm sure he used to be a charmer, back in the day. He still is. The life of the party, the center of attention, everyone's best friend. That's him. Usually the peacemaker, always the one to put people in a merry mood. There's something about him that strangers find comfort in. His easy smile and jovial nature, maybe. That was him, at the top of his game.

Though he's the life of the party, at home he's a much different person. Exemplary of the perfect Gemini. As he crosses the threshold of his home, he sheds the social butterfly exterior and retreats into his mind, into himself to become a quiet, pensive and introspective man. Where outside, he used to crack a joke at a second, now he becomes easily peeved, allowing the weight of the world that rests on his shoulders to finally weigh him down.

Lately, I've begun to read him a little more. The years have started to run him down. He lives for others. He lives for his family, to make sure they're happy. He's gotten dogged down with his priorities that he's stopped looking inside to see what he wants. Now, it's like he's stopped living for himself. He used to live for others, but now those others have had to leave for the time being. And he feels stranded.

I wish you would explore. I wish you'd stretch out the wings of your own potential, because it's still there. The years don't show on your face, but lately they've started to claim a place. Yes, your hair is become white, yes your eyes are wrinkling a little more, and yes, your health is not what it once was. But you're still in there somewhere, the one who used to give me piggy back rides, who used to race me every morning before school started, who taught me how to make omelettes, who bought me my first guitar, who picked me up from my first dance. You were the first man in my life, and you are the one I aspire to be like. And even though we've been at odds with each other for many years, of course I love you - you're my father, after all.

Alright, it's not that some things are gone, it's not like they won't come back. But they're gone for the time being, and I wish they were back. In the meantime, though, I remember.

I remember the time you failingly tried to pick me up, so then I decided I could carry you piggy back style. I took two steps and ended up dumping you on my bed.

I remember the awesome blue cave we made out of my blanket.

I remember flying kisses from the elevator.

I remember awesome coffee and pretty decent french toast and Tangled and you and me.

I remember trying to trip you up, and way too many "oh look what's that? *whack!*" moments.

I remember Bob and Jack and Mugsy and Moot and Sam. I swear, I remember them all.

I remember all the chocolates, and I still have one last sea shell. And the bamboo flower. And that first wine bottle.

I remember how it feels when you come and hug me from behind, and then when we end up doing the funny penguin walk.

I remember Kamal Momos and Sams Cafe and crazy eyes and peacocks at Hauz Khas.

I remember escaping my maid.

I remember when you had to walk around with a pink clip in your hair. Yeah, I know I still owe you for that.

I remember that day at the playground, where we sat and talked about the strangest things.

I remember today, when you kissed my hand through your oxygen mask. Of course I'll still be here, no matter what condition you're in.

wake me up before you go go

There's a new craving. (And craving is said in that weird caveman way) There's many things to say, and a weird emptiness where the words are supposed to be. You know how, when you have to say anything, you can say it better with your eyes closed? It works on blogs too. So, out of the blue this evening, I got this sudden urge to be in a chick flick. Like a proper romantic comedy, with the humouristic drama, puppy dog cute male lead, and sickeningly cheesy yet cute moments. Too much to ask? Is it? IS IT? *glares*

A pit of lethargy is what I have been slumped in. Life was about focusing on peeling the oranges, or cracking nuts one at a time, but now it's like I'm being bombarded in the head with a whole bushel of oranges or crate loads of nuts. Actually it's not that bad. I just realized I was over due for a whine session.

Good day, good sir.

The latest philosophy I've started adhering to in life is the one that states that to be really happy, you have to let yourself be vulnerable. Vulnerable to pain, to rejection, to disappointment. Because unless you put yourself out there and break out of your shell, you'll always be content, but you'll never be happy.

And that wasn't an inviting thought.. to never be happy. Of course I wanted to be happy. In an effort to break out of my shell, I took some steps that didn't make me feel like myself. Suddenly, it's like I'm a whole new person. One who gets mad really easily, edgy all the time, who won't stand for any sort of bullshit.

What happened to the old me? The one who used to be a nice, considerate, generous person? Who was everyone's friend? Suddenly it's like that person sunk somewhere deep down, and all these years of pent up emotion are emerging out like when you mix baking powder and soda or something like that.

Now, when I look at him, I think, this is what I've wanted for the longest time. How in the world did I end up getting it? It scares me. Is this for real? Is it actually happening? I keep my shields up, even though I want to let them down. I really do. I want to tell him he means so much, but I stop myself. That's not who we are. But does he see me the way I see him? He'll never tell me. So I keep my shields up. They're very important, you know. No, I can't let myself be vulnerable. Can't get hurt again. I'm happy being just content for now.

We're living in a time bomb. We know when it will go off.

You know what I wish? I wish I was normal. I really do. I wish I could go back to being the book worm who sits quietly and reads, and does all her homework properly. She was pretty happy, although she'd always wanted what I have now. Sometimes I wonder what I would say to her. I would apologize for screwing things up. I'd tell her she had a lot of good things in store for her. So many beautiful memories. I'd tell her to stop being harsh with herself. She was an awesome person, and she grew up trying to be like the rest of them. I'll bring her back. Enough of this.

Run On

I just had this epiphany and I wanted to write it down really fast before I lost the epiphanical sense and thought it was crap like my over critical virgo self (apparently) and hence I shan't use any punctuation also because someone writes like that and I wanted to see what joy they get out of it actually it seems quite fun my mind is getting dizzy as we speak or as i type whatever man jeez anyway so the epiphany goes like something like erm wait hang on must keep typing and thinking at the same time its kinda hard ok got it so Google asked me if I wanted to change my location to India seeing as I've "changed my location" (yeah for the past six months Google nice catch) so I got this horrible guilty feeling in my heart because I realized that I didn't really want to since Google the normal home page felt cooler than the Indian home page then I thought was I being disloyal to my country and bending to Western stereotypes about how the West is much cooler and the Indian one is kinda just sub standard was that the person I was becoming after all my trying to be a non stereotypical NRI type person guess the truth will out huh so Google has asked me this twice already and each time I got this weird twinge of guilt so I'd just hit ignore but then that's me being me again avoiding my problems so this time I decided to face up to what I wanted HELL IF I WANTED THE REGULAR GOOGLE I'D HAVE IT FOR JIMINY'S SAKE so I declined to request to use Google India and although I did have a twinge of guilt in the end atleast I was being true to myself and that's what counts the end.

BREATHE.

Phew.

My brain literally hurts. I don't know how people live without punctuation.