The latest philosophy I've started adhering to in life is the one that states that to be really happy, you have to let yourself be vulnerable. Vulnerable to pain, to rejection, to disappointment. Because unless you put yourself out there and break out of your shell, you'll always be content, but you'll never be happy.

And that wasn't an inviting thought.. to never be happy. Of course I wanted to be happy. In an effort to break out of my shell, I took some steps that didn't make me feel like myself. Suddenly, it's like I'm a whole new person. One who gets mad really easily, edgy all the time, who won't stand for any sort of bullshit.

What happened to the old me? The one who used to be a nice, considerate, generous person? Who was everyone's friend? Suddenly it's like that person sunk somewhere deep down, and all these years of pent up emotion are emerging out like when you mix baking powder and soda or something like that.

Now, when I look at him, I think, this is what I've wanted for the longest time. How in the world did I end up getting it? It scares me. Is this for real? Is it actually happening? I keep my shields up, even though I want to let them down. I really do. I want to tell him he means so much, but I stop myself. That's not who we are. But does he see me the way I see him? He'll never tell me. So I keep my shields up. They're very important, you know. No, I can't let myself be vulnerable. Can't get hurt again. I'm happy being just content for now.

We're living in a time bomb. We know when it will go off.

You know what I wish? I wish I was normal. I really do. I wish I could go back to being the book worm who sits quietly and reads, and does all her homework properly. She was pretty happy, although she'd always wanted what I have now. Sometimes I wonder what I would say to her. I would apologize for screwing things up. I'd tell her she had a lot of good things in store for her. So many beautiful memories. I'd tell her to stop being harsh with herself. She was an awesome person, and she grew up trying to be like the rest of them. I'll bring her back. Enough of this.

Run On

I just had this epiphany and I wanted to write it down really fast before I lost the epiphanical sense and thought it was crap like my over critical virgo self (apparently) and hence I shan't use any punctuation also because someone writes like that and I wanted to see what joy they get out of it actually it seems quite fun my mind is getting dizzy as we speak or as i type whatever man jeez anyway so the epiphany goes like something like erm wait hang on must keep typing and thinking at the same time its kinda hard ok got it so Google asked me if I wanted to change my location to India seeing as I've "changed my location" (yeah for the past six months Google nice catch) so I got this horrible guilty feeling in my heart because I realized that I didn't really want to since Google the normal home page felt cooler than the Indian home page then I thought was I being disloyal to my country and bending to Western stereotypes about how the West is much cooler and the Indian one is kinda just sub standard was that the person I was becoming after all my trying to be a non stereotypical NRI type person guess the truth will out huh so Google has asked me this twice already and each time I got this weird twinge of guilt so I'd just hit ignore but then that's me being me again avoiding my problems so this time I decided to face up to what I wanted HELL IF I WANTED THE REGULAR GOOGLE I'D HAVE IT FOR JIMINY'S SAKE so I declined to request to use Google India and although I did have a twinge of guilt in the end atleast I was being true to myself and that's what counts the end.

BREATHE.

Phew.

My brain literally hurts. I don't know how people live without punctuation.

Revisit

I used to think I was good at expressing what I felt, atleast with the written word. It used to be true until this situation I got stuck in. Literally like stuck between a rock and a hard place. But after a whole lot of miserable existence, I’ve had enough. After all, how long can a person whine and complain and be negative? My fourth grade teacher had labeled me as a happy camper, and I’d like to do her a bit of justice.

You were the best thing to come my way, in all my life, but for some reason, I couldn’t reciprocate. I’m sorry I became sidetracked. But it all became so overwhelming. I don’t want to write for sympathy. I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for my position, because I deserve it and I’ll take my dues. Happily. Shout at me. Yell. Make me feel like the lowliest piece of crap on the planet, because I know I deserve it. But you didn’t do any of that. You couldn’t be mad at me.

Cue in the biggest guilt trip ever. Part two.

I still don’t know what I want. The thing is, if you and I.. if we lived in the same city, I would come back. Does that make my love seem shallow? Should I be ready to face all hurdles? I know you are. You’ve always been ready. And I was too, until I started looking for the little things. And they were all missing. They just weren’t there. Meeting you felt like a special occasion. And that was something we both knew from the start. But then, I just didn’t know how I’d feel about it six months down the line.

When my friends would complain about not seeing their boyfriend all day, I’d secretly grow angry. I hadn’t seen you in three weeks! What right did they have to complain when I never did? Celebrating anniversaries became passé for them while for me, it was still so new and exciting, because hey! We were going strong! I guess with the distance, I never took you for granted.

That’s why I never wanted to let you go. You understood like no one ever did. I felt more comfortable with you. No one understood my moods like you did. And you know, despite every impractical, illogical, crazy, bitchy mood swing I threw at you, you were right there by my side. Who does that? It felt incredible.

That’s why I still don’t want you to go. Or if you do, please come back. There’s no one else I can see myself with in the future. And what with life taking me in directions I don’t know, I know that having a claim and then not having you – that’s hard for me. Then temptations come and I think, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who I can see every day? So what if, you know, the connection wasn’t as amazing as ours? It’s good enough.

Good enough.

Good enough with someone there, or amazing with someone not there? That’s the decision I’ve been trying to make.

Maybe I’ve been running away from something so deep. That could make sense. This new relationship that’s sprung up… it’s not as intense. It’s very in the moment. It’s like that moment when you’re underwater for a really long time, and then come up for a breath. Because I can go back to being in my shell. In my comfort zone. It’s a relief because I know he doesn’t have that power over me, not yet. I spend time with him because it makes me happy with no strings attached. We don’t have tags, and more than anything, we’re friends.

I want you to be happy. I want you to know that you have me whenever you need me. But right now, I can't come back. I need to do this for myself.

I’m tired of trying to keep everyone placated. Of trying desperately not to hurt anyone. I’m tired of thinking.

The Third Stage

Bargaining. Already.

I don't know why I'm writing again, when I have nothing to say. Nothing's changed. Except I realized, somehow, somewhere, something's not the same. It's like I've been falling, all this while with the certainty that there's a mattress down there, ready to catch me. It's still there, but now I never wanna reach the bottom.

Wow, my writing's started to suck. Ok, ignoring all the eyes I feel are watching me, or would watch me as I publish this, and talking only to myself.

It's KILLING me right now to not pick up the phone, to make everything the same as it was once. Maybe I can call ceasefire? Maybe you really won't be such a weak willed bastard the next time? But you know what irks me the most? You didn't even try to stop me. I left and you accepted it.

And HER. For the LOVE OF GOD! There was once a time when it was alright, she was allowed to be mad at me. But now, she's this delusional psychopath who hasn't got any remains of dignity left. And I realize maybe I can't ever let this blog become public. But for god's sake!

I'll delete this post. But for now, let me vent. There's oh so much to vent.

In his memory

So... you know that story I was telling you about? The one that I said wasn't a fairytale? Well, you know why? Because in that story, everyone did not live happily after. People died in that story. Don't worry, they were imaginary. Too bad the rest of it wasn't.

Lately I've been introspecting. What kind of a fool was I? Yes there are varieties. I came up with an answer too. I was the masochistic kind. Once, a friend told me that I seemed like a cold hearted bitch (he meant it in the nicest way) and that comment.. well it stuck. I felt like I really did have no emotions. That was scary. Did I not feel? Was I cold, apathetic? Just like the rest of my family? No, of course not. I could feel... I'd show them.

So I came to him. And they told me he'd hurt me. And I didn't care. Because I wanted to see, you know? See how much he could possibly hurt me. How far would he be able to break me? Ah, but this one was cruel. He didn't come with a sleek blade. No, he came at my heart with a dull axe. Bouts of pain, but hey, I made it through! Until the last one. No, that last attempt really pretty much cracked it. So I withdrew it; my heart, that is. Now its slightly deformed, slightly mangled, in need of repair. It needs to catch its breath, but it's still there pumping. But I showed them. I was capable of emotion! Who's laughing now?

The thing is, I'm over it. But only because I have to be. Because it would be the most stupid thing in the history of the universe (except for the invention of the plastic duck for the tub) to go back. I know that. They know that. Everyone knows that. But that doesn't mean I can't keep glancing at my phone every once in a while. It doesn't mean I can't read his old messages. It doesn't mean I can't go through the past in my head.

It doesn't mean I can't regret what won't come back. Oh, and who died? Well, Bob did. Remember him? Yeah a cleaver couldn't kill him, but a kiss gone astray could.

life is extraordinary in the way we tell it.

that is the secret to a more than ordinary life.

Janota

Some copy for a shoe line. Theme: Elements

Fire

Cool flames frolicking in front of your eyes. The sizzling sensation of systematic devastation. The world is set ablaze. Do you have the right shoes?

Earth

Volcanic ash shimmering in the twilight of dawn, simmering down on a silent earth. A thin streak of sunlight escapes from the belt of the horizon. It’s a new day, a new beginning. Do you have the right shoes?

Wind

Many things ride the wind. Autumn leaves broken from their homes, the summery scent of fresh grass, the waft of rain, the flutter of wings, the skip of a heartbeat. Now it’s your turn. Do you have the right shoes?

Water

Tread past the white froth sparking on the rocks. A plunge into oceans blue. Deep, deeper, until the surface is a mirage. A new universe, mystic, mesmerizing, metamorphic. A transformation, unrelenting. Another adventure. Do you have the right shoes?

Ether

Something surreal, something unreal, like the everlasting turning of a diving wheel. Mountains shift, winds change, waters tremble. It awakens, asks you to follow it into the abyss. Do you have the right shoes?