Maple Syrup

Again. It just had to happen again and again and again. Fate is a cruel dealer. Actually I have not much to complain about... Putting things in perspective, I'm pretty lucky, truth be told. Parents who are well off...education...clothes, food, money, friends. Yes, in that order. I need to straighten out my priorities.

I wanna run away. Abscond. I learned a new word today.

Becoming Insane is playing in the background. Apt. Very very apt. The total frivolity of life is not lost upon me, just like the ridiculousness of drowning a fish or making sense of ee cummings is not lost upon anyone (except my last English teacher). (He was all in a fit about the fish.)

Kidding.

I feel like a pancake. Being flipped over again and again, repeatedly until I'm just too darn fried. Or maybe like a frog jumping around trying to catch a fly but all of them are just too high up. Frustration mounts. The frog jumps off the wall of the well. The pancake resigns itself to its fate. Only maple syrup can save it now. Where is my maple syrup!

This is the most ridiculous rant of my life. There are some things in life I don't want to lose, and they happen to be at contradicting ends of a spectrum. Tomorrow will decide a lot of things. But you know, someone should publish a book, and call it What You Actually Want in Life. And it should be customized for every individual. And be written by God. But it was God who said go, go to Bombay. Fate is a bitch. A skank of the highest order, and then some. Someone make it all go away.

Make it be a dream.

Make it better.

Make it end.

Is your "you're awesome" your "I love you"?

What I Want for My Birthday

1) Casablanca. Heard too much about it without ever watching it. This has got to stop.

2) Indian Economics by Datt. Yeah you heard right. Don't try reading that again. Might as well ask for something useful.

3) Posters. Because my room looks like a refugee camp sometimes.

4) Scented candles. See above. And cuz, you know, I'm a chick :P

5) To attain enlightenment.

6) World peace. Why not?

7) Guess who? :)

8) Blueberry cheesecake. Wait a second, this should be first! There are few things in the world more mind bogglingly delicious than blueberry cheesecake.

9) To know if reincarnation really exists, and if so, what kind of a life I had, who from my present featured before, etc etc. Kinda weird but I've been readjusting my belief system recently.

10) To do something nice for someone. Not that I'm saying that birthdays are the only time of the year people should be giving in nature...there's Christmas too.

11) Pens. I don't KNOW where they all disappear! I really don't!

12) I want to laugh. Like a lot. Things haven't been such sunshine for some unexplainable reason.

13) For people to not be shallow and obsessed with outer appearances. Because really, there's more important things to worry about. Like global warming. And world hunger. Which reminds me...

14) An end to world hunger. If anybody out there is listening. And because global warming is too much of a headache.

15) My family, my home. After spending three weeks of "quality time" last summer, I never thought I'd be saying that but hey, if pigs can fly (read: swine flu) then other miracles can happen too.

16) A great time. Whatever (or whoever) that entails.

17) Pens. Yeah, that's how desperately I need them.

18) I don't know really. Because usually people don't really know what they want. Maybe I don't want all these things. Except for world peace (so please vote for me when I run for president! Oh, wait, you can't, thanks to the weird secret way of deciding who President is in this country. Pseudo democratism)

19) Peace of mind.

Nineteen things. For the nineteenth year.

Genius, no?

There are moments in life when a sudden realization, a brilliant epiphany hits you... but this time it's not the kind where a white light shines down on you and angels sing in the background. No. This is the one where you do something, and later there is this moment... the "Oh Fuck" moment. We've all had it, there's nothing to be ashamed of.

For example, the "Oh Fuck" moment when you realize you impulsively blew an obscene amount of money on something that doesn't fit. When you realize you have inadvertently stuck yourself in the corner with some greasy bastard whose breath smells like tuna fish. When you realize you're outside and not wearing any clothes.

Ok so the last one usually only happens in dreams. Usually.

So basically, the feeling is one of "whatthefuckhaveIgottenmyselfintoohgodpleaseletthisbeadream." Its a common phenomenon. Documented by people in shiny white lab coats and everything. But the thing is, everything happens for a reason. That's what I believe anyway. Everything we go through, there's some higher purpose for that. For our "suffering," excuse me for sounding so Biblical. Not that there's anything wrong in that. These "Oh Fuck" moments have a purpose. They teach us lessons. They help us make better judgements in the future. And if not that, they make a great story to tell whilst drinking. Drinking milk.

Obviously, dad.

So let's raise our glasses to the OF moments in life, because as someone not so smart once said, shit happens. Cheers.

Mistakes

Maybe it's time to end this. This is not what I imagined it to be. This is not what I imagined myself to be. It's all too much, too heavy, too needy, too dependant. That's not how it was supposed to be. And I don't need it right now. And my god, there're so many expectations. I can't even begin to tell you...the ones in my mind. It's not your fault but sometimes, they drive me insane.

I'm going mad. I can feel it. And I think it's this, which is driving me towards insanity. How is that possible?

How can something that makes me feel so good also make me feel like such shit? What is it? Is it love? Or desperation? I need you to be with me, but I can't say it. So I throw tests which you ignore.

Heavy. Way too heavy.

It's like a snake. Coiling its body. First one way, the good, happy, "we're so into each other" way, and then the other way, where nothing seems to go right. I wanna end this. Make it a chapter. Stop it from being a book. But that's recklessness.

But I want to do something...something I know will hurt me so bad I'll crush. Under the weight of my own stupid, stupid mistakes. I want to see what it's like to feel like that.

Mistake. I can see it's my fault. I'm throwing the tornado in my head at you. You don't know what to do about it. I told you I would be this way. Tell the tornado to stop.

I'm begging you.

Electric vibes make you hyper.

The End of the Beginning of the End... of the Beginning

Yeah try making sense out of that one. New relationships are tough. Even when you think you've got it all under control, you've got your head on straight, you know you've learnt from the past errors that you may have naively committed...

Nope, even then, a leopard doesn't change his spots, Queen Victoria doesn't suddenly sport hair, Osama bin Laden doesn't all of a sudden join the Gay Parade. It just doesn't work like that. We all have our baggage, our issues. That's alright. Right?

Just on an offnote, I thought of this amazing line...inspired by Machiavelli.

*Clears throat*

Vodka corrupts, but absolut vodka corrupts absolutely.

*waits for applause. crickets chirp in the distance*

Alright anyway, what was the discussion again? That ever-old, "Why is he being such a douche" problem? Fuck that, the new generation is too cool for that. Moving on to happier topics, like women being raped just a few miles from UN peace keeping troops in Congo. So much for peacekeeping. Guess someone's not being paid enough. Has anyone ever noticed why men are never (ok seldom) raped? There's something fucked up about our patriarchal society. And something slightly offputting about the desperate need to copulate that some men are often consumed with. What a sick, truly dastardly thing to do. And I never use the word 'dastardly' so imagine the seriousness of this issue.

I want a new beginning. Someone hit refresh.