Tuesday, December 6, 2016

well, it's been a while. it feels a little awkward, like trying to run after so many months of inactivity, or intimacy with a faceless stranger when you've not had quite enough alcohol. but you take a deep breath or close your eyes and jump off the edge.

how did we become strangers? how did you transform from the person i fell in love with to an apathetic cloud in my life? how did you wash your hands clean of any responsibility? 

i spoke to my friend recently. messaged her with the intention of sharing my prophecy of dying alone eventually. i found out she was having an even tougher day. twinge of guilt. more so because of a bar incident a couple of years ago which eventually led her feeling like this today. human emotions are complex. we shouldn't be allowed to invest ourselves in one person, or for longer than six months. we need to learn our lessons. the first six months are always happy. they're deceitful.

how do i explain to you how you need to be better? yes, i need to feel valued and loved and cared for. i don't need bravado or swagger or bold claims or gyaan. i want affection and emotional vulnerability. not to be checklisted. 

i was bored one weekday and went on a horoscope matching website. terrible idea. when you're feeling low about your love life, the worst thing you can do is go to one of these websites and learn you're one of the most incompatible sun signs, destined to a life destitute of love. why is it easy to fall out of love so easily? why isnt love everlasting and complete, like the stories in books and movies? why does it become mundane and stale, like dishes lying in the sink with food on them?

i want the old you back. the innocent person who walked into my house at 3am and walked out with a handshake. the person who would make plans and put an effort into what we were doing that night. who would bring me cupcakes if i were upset, call me randomly to speak for hours, randomly bring a rose when we're about to meet, or just be sweet. who wouldn't make meeting me sound like a chore.

who wouldnt call me his property. 

who is this person?

i think, medically, i should not be allowed to be involved with anyone. life is much simpler when you live without expectations, without becoming mentally unstable. the bigger question is, why do i need someone to bring a sense of value and love into my life? but without that, i don't understand the point of a relationship. why don't we stop calling it that, and just be friends who casually hook up?

i cant go through all of this again. i want to be a hermit, and live deep in a forest with no humans for company. it will be lonely, but at least it wont be disappointing.

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