Saturday, September 26, 2015

Starting to understand why people go for therapy.

I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I don't react to things the same way. I don't care for things the same way. I don't want to be that person any more.

What infuriates me is that you think I'm that same person. That I overreact and become difficult over little things. That's the opposite of who I am usually. I'm not fazed by the small things, I don't let people get to me. And even if they do, the last thing I would do is show it to them.

Now, I'm great at my job, I have new friends, I care about different things, I have new opinions. You don't know this side. Do you? Do you know the side that tells people off for staring at her in the metro? That can counsel little kids and get them to go to class because that's the only way they'll become a police officer? That goes and chills with her grandparents and tells them not to worry too much? Who works day and night and stressed about her work, because this is something that makes me proud? Who's trying really hard to be a better person, read more, be more kind, who cares about the way the world works, who worries for her family, and wants to travel more, and be more independent, and learn how to drive, and figure out what to do with her life without worrying about the unnecessary entanglements of a fling or romance?

I'm not the person I was three years ago, however much I liked that person. That person whose happiness depended on you, who you could break with one whisper. But you dive into the core of me and fish her out. I don't need that person. Leave her be. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

"What's that, there in the middle?"
"Well, that's the shadow of your heart."

What a saddening thought, to imagine the shadow of your heart. How do I explain it to you? It's the dull, lingering ache that your heart puts up with, no matter what it does. The inevitability of it, the absoluteness. Wherever your heart goes, along comes the shadow, with its baggage.

The heart is pretty strong though. No matter how bruised and broken it gets, it tapes itself back together. The goddamn shadow just gets a little longer.

It tries to talk sometimes. The shadow I mean. Reminding me of its presence, making it hard to breathe. But that's when you have to squeeze your eyes shut as tight as you can, hum so the vibrations in your body shake things up and it shuts the fuck up. Because you've listened enough, too much. No more now. No more.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

being in love with you feels like the default setting in my life now. if i turn the lights off, you'll be the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. thinking about you seems like the most natural thing to do. i don't know now if to me, you are love or a habit. 

you've hijacked all the corners of my poetic memory. there hasn't been space in there for another person for years. i don't know how to overturn the box, shake every association of you out, and start over. it's confusing to be with someone else because when i close my eyes before i go to sleep, it's not him i think about but you. everything else seems superfluous, a phase. even if they're the tectonic plates, you'd be the inner core. your constantness inside of me. it's confusing. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

What is intimacy?
To me, it's
Haha no, not really.
Well maybe, a bit.

It is telling him
About the dream you had last night;
About your fear
Drowning under colossal waves;
About shopping for groceries
And arguing over gherkins.
It is about reminding
Him that he's capable and smart;
That he can get there if he wants;
That his friends are there
For him, and his dad
Really does love him.

It is cleaning the kitchen
Together, or rolling a joint while
He cooks Christmas dinner.
It is watching the sky turn
It is seeing him laugh across the room
With strangers and
Rescuing him because you can tell he's faking.

It is sharing what you write,
Or telling him how you'll
Raise your kids.
It is sharing a
Secret that you both protect
From everyone else.

It makes the whole greater than its parts.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

It's the fourth day of the New Year and so far, the feeling of new beginnings haven't ebbed away completely. Lots of revelations though. It's been a strange few weeks, with a lot of futile introspection. I've realized I really dislike being alone. But I also can't stand the company of people. 

Yesterday, I had to go to work for a meeting. The office was pretty empty because it was a Saturday, and after the meeting (and taking advantage of the internet to download a few torrents), I went to lunch at Evergreens. In the midst of the hustle bustle of this restaurant (why it was busy even at 4 PM, I have no idea), I sat there by myself and looked around. Friends talking, families eating together, uncles, aunties, firangs, waiters. So much conversation all around me, and I felt relieved to have the peace to observe all these people. Just so happy to be able to order my aloo parantha in peace, and not have to talk to anyone. Also, there's a rarity attached to the occurrence of a girl in Delhi eating alone at a restaurant. Why people  here don't like being by themselves once in a while, I'll never know. 

Anyway, I realized I've started enjoying solitude more than company, and I wonder if that should be a a warning signal. But I've really had it with small talk. Is that making me antisocial? Every day I wonder what sort of person I am. It's a little tiring.