Saturday, May 31, 2014

right now my existence is a miasma of emptiness, confusion and alternate reality where i spend half my days in the fictional world of R. R. Martin. you'd think having so much free time would be conducive to some sort of productive activity. that i'd go about frolicking, "taking it all in", making the most of being in a foreign country, being young, writing a book or something. sadly i lack all of that gung-ho spirit apparently, and prefer to spend my days in escapism. if it's reading, it can't be a complete waste of time right? "A mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge." Some tiny consolations.

what's remarkable is the striking difference between my life now and six months ago. it's as if the radio station changed suddenly from rock and roll to an out of tune religious sermon by an old guy in a raspy voice. and not the good raspy either. i shouldn't be so negative, this is hardly a "struggle." i have a home, books, internet connection and cake. but i want to KNOW and EXPERIENCE and be part of the world in a way that doesn't make me want to tear out my hair in frustration.

if i were a guy i'd be sick by now of the whininess.

there is one thing though about this place that i love. the air here is the best air. i mean. if air were food, this air would taste the best, no questions. its fresh and always smells like grass. the nice kind, not the smoking kind. whenever im outside i just want to keep inhaling and never breathe out.

today i heard somewhere that when you're in space, time slows down as you get closer to a black hole, and it stops completely when you're inside the black hole, and that would be the perfect place to fall in love, and when i heard it (online) i vigorously nodded along saying EXACTLY and THIS is what we need, to fall in love in a black hole where time doesn't fucking move forward and we can just be and be and be. where no one has to say goodbye or be left behind. where there is just me and you and its simple and easy (barring the lack of oxygen or gravity or any sort of life sustaining matter). how amazing would it be to love without the feeling that the clock is ticking, and our time is running out. not in an impending doom type of way.

time for an abrupt ending. 

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