Tuesday, July 2, 2013

liquid state

Lately, I've been crying a lot.

Over tiny, small insignificant things, like emotional moments in cartoons, or the thought of my parents far away, or my inability to connect with some people or the fact that my brother is growing up or my past self or the impossibility of the future, or just because of the fact that I've been crying a lot. I don't know why little things bring tears to my eyes these days. It feels like years of rage or troubles are melting out with every tear. I cry for humanity (too heavy?), although I'm not a saint or wise or omniscient in the least. Or am I? I could be. I do have a knack for.. well okay maybe I'm not omniscient.

There's just this sadness. It's not depression or anything. I feel sad that I am changing. That for the first time in a long time, I'm not dependent on anyone. That I must live up to my mom's expectations of being strong, and brave. Years ago, whenever I used to break down in front of her, she would tell me, "Be brave." And I guess, now I associate bravery with that feeling of desolation.

I'm scared that I will not achieve any sort of greatness. It's not my dream to become a global icon for change or anything. I don't expect myself to become the next Mandela or Suu Kyi, but I'm scared I will never be able to fight for something I'm passionate about, because I still don't know where that passion might be ignited. Nothing excites me, except for writing sometimes to an imaginary audience. Where I feel I can take the floor and own the stage and all of that.

I'm scared of being mediocre. Of having no opinions. Of not being able to bring anything new to the table. I think that would be the biggest waste of a life.

I'm sad for what the past me had to experience. What my pre-teen self was put through. It wasn't pretty, and it definitely wasn't fair. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I do feel sorry for that little girl.

I'm sorry for that life that was extinguished before it could begin.

I feel like my being is going through a metamorphosis, and that shedding tears is like shedding off my old skin and putting on a fresh new one.

It might be that.

Or, more likely, it might just be PMS.

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