Thursday, January 24, 2013

Sometimes I look in the mirror and think I look pretty. But then I realize that I'm alone and think that maybe I'm wrong.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't some unhappy rant about the travesty that is my love life. Nor is it some great reflective commentary on life and all its glorious meanings. Just me and the weird thoughts I have that I think are too weird for the world. But then, there once was a man who thought sticking beads up his ass was a good idea. So I realize the precedent for weird thoughts is quite high in society.

I wonder if anyone ever has those moments, or days, or weeks or months or years, where they feel like there is a wall between them and the people around them. It's a really amusing feeling sometimes, you know, when you can just sit back and think to yourself, "Dance for me, my puppets!" But then you're so busy watching them and you forget that they're people and then you don't know what to say to them after you make an inappropriate Pinocchio comment and no one knows what you're talking about 'cus lets face it, you're on a whole different tangent. In another dimension.

Sometimes I laugh to myself over conversations that I have. With myself. In my head. No, really, I swear, I'm really funny! This one time I tried to explain to a friend a joke that I'd thought of which kept making me crack up. So basically, it involved my sexual fetish for the library. Which I don't have, really, but circumstantially it was funny. Anyway, so of course then the guy thought the joke was really weird, because he was like, why do you want to have sex with the library? (Yes with, not in.) But I was too busy laughing at this awesome joke to explain.

Maybe, I'm just too brilliant for these foolish mortals. But then I remember that I'm needy and messy and insecure and like my Maggi cold and can't walk in heels and then I think, who am I to judge?

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if someone ever actually understood the workings of my mind. Actually, that's not true. Lots of people have come close. Actually, that's not true either. Some have. I'm glad for those people. But then, moving here, to this new place, I have to make a whole new set of people understand and adjust to me. And while I make myself...adjustable... I feel like I'm losing the person I was.

That's why we have blogs. 

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

promise me
that when we reach,
however long it takes,
that you'll take a walk down the shore with me,
whatever time it is,
and we will watch the sunrise together... 

Sunday, January 13, 2013

ive been called "the traveler." the person who comes into your life for a short while and then disappears.

for once i want to meet someone who gives me a reason to stay.

who doesn't resign himself to the fact that "this won't last." because things don't last unless you want them to last.

or maybe there is some inexplicably undesirable thing about me that no one can stay faithful to for more than a few months.

this is just sad. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

sick

sick of feeling angry but im willing to bear it because you can't push anger away. it comes back to surprise you.

sick of hearing your apologies because they don't mean anything. i've heard them before, but nothing ever changed. ever.

sick of complaining to my friends. they don't deserve it.

sick of hoping that you've changed.

sick of being miserable at the thought of the people you talk to.

sick of being that insecure jealous manic bitch.

sick of giving you chance after chance after chance. it doesn't work when you dont even realize what you do wrong.

sick of believing that we could have a shot sometime in the future.

i dont want a shot now.

keep whatever image of me you want in your head. im not coming back.