Sunday, October 14, 2012

an endless procession of men that i must make sure remain happy. this is the story of my life. for some reason, women get by much better.

for a long long long time, i've dealt with the endless guilt and emotional blackmail that men in my life have been inflicting on me. it started about three years ago.

specimen number one. had something for me that i couldn't reciprocate. thus used me to continuously whine and i listened because i felt guilty for rejecting him. six months, that lasted.

specimen number two. felt angry about me dating his best friend. i continuously apologized to him for weeks. after which he was gracious enough to talk to me again. why i needed his approval i'll never know. but i just kept apologizing.

specimen number three. my fault really. i cheated on him. with someone that i had started to love. it wasn't his fault, and i listened to his anger for days or weeks. and i tried to placate him. tried to make him feel better. apologized and apologized. fuck.

specimen number four. fell for me. i didn't fall for him though. i told him, how i was still getting over someone else. though now we become physically intimate only because of the guilt that overwhelms me when i tell him no and he feels sad, because he's tried everything and been so sweet, and yet i do not reciprocate in the way he wants.

specimen number five. the only one i was ever completely crazy about. whose happiness means everything to me. and who's sad now because of where my life is going. but i'm too exhausted. exhausted by the collective guilt. exhausted by trying to please every single fucking person in my life. i can't please him now. i can't please him. because he's right. what is happening is happening.

fuck. i'm so tired of all this guilt.

two nights ago, it was beautiful. i was out, and happy, and free. it wasn't a feeling i've had in a long time. this feeling of not worrying about anyone, and not worrying about the consequences of my actions on anyone. that is what i want right now. that beautiful feeling of being free.

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