Saturday, August 4, 2012

white

it's a funny thing, having a place in your heart, or your mind, or whatever, that's reserved for a ball of white, pure, hot anger, that never ceases to burn, that will never run out, that keeps you fueled for life, and that no matter what you do or don't do or think or forgive, that place won't go away, and its existence pains your existence, but somehow keeping it for all these years has made you form yourself to a shape that can accommodate that anger, and keep it within you but without you, keep it hidden yet very much alive, like a crazed convict with a maniacal laughter that resounds off of dungeon walls, but that you shush in the presence of good company, that you keep quiet in the presence of any company actually, because this secret of yours, this precocious secret, it can't be let out, no matter how much it tries to break through from within, no matter how angry or upset it makes you, no matter if it makes you want to tear the head off the person that has caused its birth, because it's your secret you know, and you're scared what kind of rampage it would cause were it to be let out, and if it were let out would it lose its power, or would you lose your fuel? is it even the right kind of fuel? you've tried to quell it a million times over the years, try and try and even then when you see the face that caused it you can think to yourself that you may be over it, but then the white, pure, hot ball of anger starts to bubble and cause trouble and you hope that your eyes don't leak out the secret that they have to withhold, because if they do, no, that would be a catastrophe and families would burn down, or would they, maybe no one would actually care, maybe the reason for the fuel in your life is meaningless to other people, so no, this secret you hold on to yourself like a lunatic till your grave, and perhaps in your grave before the sand finally covers you, you can point to someone, and whisper this horrible secret into their ear and finally die in peace, hoping that perhaps some justice will be brought, and that anger which caused so much suffering will bear fruit, but even if it doesn't, you did your part, you didn't hurt anyone, you kept it within for so many years, and now you can let go in peace and close your eyes and not be haunted by memories that make you scream in humiliation, but instead dream in the blackness of your mind of a white light that is going to comfort you in your final moment. where you will finally be safe.

No comments:

Post a Comment