Friday, August 31, 2012

perhaps the most frustrating part of having a relationship problem (besides the actual problem) is trying to explain it to your friends. i mean, it is for me. because, there will be one of two outcomes. either the friend will take his side, which is unacceptable, or they will take my side, which i can't trust because he or she's probably being biased for my sake.

yeah there's some issues i have with life.

when i started the last relationship i had, it was like a dream. but people didn't see it that way. many people, almost strangers, asked me what the hell i was doing. they scoffed, saying, yeah like that's gonna last. "don't fall in love with a junkie" one said. i laughed all of them off because they didn't know what the hell they were talking about. and they really didn't. they didn't know this man. they didn't know me. i know what i was getting into. i was right, their proclamations were all wrong.

when problems started to surface, i couldn't tell anyone. i couldn't bear to have someone speak ill of him because they didn't know the whole story. they were only hearing my side of it, and using it to prove themselves and their preconceived misconceptions right. when they still didn't know him at all. i didn't want to see that "i told you so" look in their eyes, as if to say, "we warned you, now don't you see we were right all along?" no you weren't right! he's brilliant and awesome and everyone makes mistakes! "so then why are you crying to us about it?" well, because, i can't just keep it all in. not forever. but i hated how people judged him without knowing about him, and i put him in a good light, and hid what negative things i had in my mind. he's a good guy after all. they don't need to think themselves right because of what i say in my emotional turmoil.

then there's that part, when they say get over it. you'll find someone else. you'll go hook up with plenty of hot british men soon enough. and i get angry at these people too. because doesn't anyone understand that i was in love? saying i'll get over it and find someone else... it's not really addressing the matter now is it? usually my high school crush used to be the ultimate love of my life, but recently he's been upstaged. by this stupid foolish man. there's no contest. sure i may be childish, may not have even lived half my life, but this was the most serious thing in my life and it did make me go insane to such a point that i don't recognize myself. i go batshit crazy at the thought of him with someone else. and these people who tell me to get over it, they don't understand that you can't "turn off" a relationship like its a movie that you got bored of watching. yes we broke up. yes i was the one to do it. this deadline was like some sense of impending doom looming over my head, and the closer we came to the end, the crazier i started to get. to be fair, i never thought we would last this long to have to say farewell when we went our separate ways. in the beginning, i was infatuated but i wasn't in love. damn. now that i think back. everyone else paled in comparison. and i went insane.

being in love is not pretty. and its not a switch! no i can't "get over it." it's like that song by as tall as lions. this one line that i love, and yet freaks me out. they say, love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.

you know, back in ninth grade, i overheard this guy who i had a crush on saying something mean about me, and i felt the wind punched out of my lungs, and i thought that my heart was breaking. in a sense i thought i was maturing, and i hid my then barely grazed heart like a battle wound, and felt like a grown woman. well now i know, they weren't kidding when they named it heard break. and hell it's not something that lets you hold your head up.

there aren't many people that i can talk to who won't point fingers, in this whole matter. either they'll point fingers at me, or at him. but you know, in the end, they'll say move on. that's the final verdict. and that's the conclusion i can't stand. things ended between us because it was a condition imposed right from the start of our relationship. it wasn't something that was ever questioned. just a given.

one should never fall in love with a time bomb. i guess that's the lesson.

i guess a new city is the place to be. new places. new people. new me? no, old me. old old, ninth grade me. just a little more guarded this time. it's time to be aloof and stone hearted again. sharing feelings just creates conflict. it's alright to not feel about things. screw this being vulnerable to be happy crap. screw everyone who thought i needed to open up more. just goes to show, listening to people never gets you anywhere good.

need to cut this goddamn cord.

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