Friday, August 31, 2012

perhaps the most frustrating part of having a relationship problem (besides the actual problem) is trying to explain it to your friends. i mean, it is for me. because, there will be one of two outcomes. either the friend will take his side, which is unacceptable, or they will take my side, which i can't trust because he or she's probably being biased for my sake.

yeah there's some issues i have with life.

when i started the last relationship i had, it was like a dream. but people didn't see it that way. many people, almost strangers, asked me what the hell i was doing. they scoffed, saying, yeah like that's gonna last. "don't fall in love with a junkie" one said. i laughed all of them off because they didn't know what the hell they were talking about. and they really didn't. they didn't know this man. they didn't know me. i know what i was getting into. i was right, their proclamations were all wrong.

when problems started to surface, i couldn't tell anyone. i couldn't bear to have someone speak ill of him because they didn't know the whole story. they were only hearing my side of it, and using it to prove themselves and their preconceived misconceptions right. when they still didn't know him at all. i didn't want to see that "i told you so" look in their eyes, as if to say, "we warned you, now don't you see we were right all along?" no you weren't right! he's brilliant and awesome and everyone makes mistakes! "so then why are you crying to us about it?" well, because, i can't just keep it all in. not forever. but i hated how people judged him without knowing about him, and i put him in a good light, and hid what negative things i had in my mind. he's a good guy after all. they don't need to think themselves right because of what i say in my emotional turmoil.

then there's that part, when they say get over it. you'll find someone else. you'll go hook up with plenty of hot british men soon enough. and i get angry at these people too. because doesn't anyone understand that i was in love? saying i'll get over it and find someone else... it's not really addressing the matter now is it? usually my high school crush used to be the ultimate love of my life, but recently he's been upstaged. by this stupid foolish man. there's no contest. sure i may be childish, may not have even lived half my life, but this was the most serious thing in my life and it did make me go insane to such a point that i don't recognize myself. i go batshit crazy at the thought of him with someone else. and these people who tell me to get over it, they don't understand that you can't "turn off" a relationship like its a movie that you got bored of watching. yes we broke up. yes i was the one to do it. this deadline was like some sense of impending doom looming over my head, and the closer we came to the end, the crazier i started to get. to be fair, i never thought we would last this long to have to say farewell when we went our separate ways. in the beginning, i was infatuated but i wasn't in love. damn. now that i think back. everyone else paled in comparison. and i went insane.

being in love is not pretty. and its not a switch! no i can't "get over it." it's like that song by as tall as lions. this one line that i love, and yet freaks me out. they say, love's not a grave, it won't decay on you.

you know, back in ninth grade, i overheard this guy who i had a crush on saying something mean about me, and i felt the wind punched out of my lungs, and i thought that my heart was breaking. in a sense i thought i was maturing, and i hid my then barely grazed heart like a battle wound, and felt like a grown woman. well now i know, they weren't kidding when they named it heard break. and hell it's not something that lets you hold your head up.

there aren't many people that i can talk to who won't point fingers, in this whole matter. either they'll point fingers at me, or at him. but you know, in the end, they'll say move on. that's the final verdict. and that's the conclusion i can't stand. things ended between us because it was a condition imposed right from the start of our relationship. it wasn't something that was ever questioned. just a given.

one should never fall in love with a time bomb. i guess that's the lesson.

i guess a new city is the place to be. new places. new people. new me? no, old me. old old, ninth grade me. just a little more guarded this time. it's time to be aloof and stone hearted again. sharing feelings just creates conflict. it's alright to not feel about things. screw this being vulnerable to be happy crap. screw everyone who thought i needed to open up more. just goes to show, listening to people never gets you anywhere good.

need to cut this goddamn cord.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

a break up is like pregnancy. soon enough every little thing makes you wanna throw up.

Friday, August 24, 2012

heavy heavy heart.

sorry glee, i did stop believing. 

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

sometimes we can only tell people how much we love them when we're intoxicated.

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Friday, August 17, 2012

three years ago. somewhere i don't remember

my friend was sitting on my bed, in the hostel late one  night, going through the pictures on my camera. six months had gone by now in this new family and new environment. most of the pictures were of the recent trip to bombay that we'd gone on. it was the usual night at the hostel. full of nonsense.

"hey, why do you still have this picture on your camera? it was from ages ago!"

i didn't know what she meant. i looked at the picture she was talking about. oh yeah. this stupid picture of him looking happy, jumping in the air.

"oh that's still on there? must have forgotten to delete it." she gave me a look. uff, why does she read into things so much?

"none of the other pictures from that day are there." she smirked and wiggled her eyebrows. i swear, she wiggled them! i don't know how she does it.

i ignored her. i looked at the picture again. at this almost stranger who made me smile for no reason.

happy birthday, stranger

Thursday, August 16, 2012

in a relationship, it shouldn't be a label that holds you back from the things you want to do, and the people you want to see. in a relationship, you shouldn't feel held back from these things. if you do, then the relationship doesn't exist for you, its just the label. make sure you tell that to the other person, so that the other person isn't shocked by all the things you do now that the label has been ripped apart.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

blinking lights. thudding music. faces flash for a second, eyes shut, faces in concentration. everyone is moving to a single beat. hot, perspiring shoulders. she's leaning against the bar, already unsteady on her feet. so many people. so lonely still. what was wrong with her? time for another shot.

the whiskey burns down her throat. slowly the smile comes back. she goes up to a guy.

"so why aren't you dancing?" she asks him.

"i'll dance if you come with me" he smiles. she laughs, takes the stranger's hands, and guides him to the dance floor. she moves, forgetting that these are people she will see tomorrow. she closes her eyes, forgetting that this is not him.

when she opens her eyes again, the man's shirt is covered in sweat. and she sees him. the one she is supposed to be with. she sees him swinging another woman in his arms, and she's laughing. she doesn't need to close her eyes.

why is it that she feels scared to ask him for a dance?

damn. still not drunk enough. she leaves the stranger there, not sure if he notices. and heads back to the bar for another whiskey shot.
i didn't deserve this. didn't deserve the anger. didn't deserve the insecurities. didn't deserve to be replaced. didn't deserve to be second place to someone. didn't deserve to be spoken to like that. didn't deserve to be forgotten at the drop of a hat. didn't deserve to be treated like an non existing entity. didn't deserve to be played around with. didn't deserve my feelings to be classed as unimportant.

things finally changed. the love evaporated. strings cut.

someone once told me i would regret being in a long distance relationship because i would regret taking all that effort to meet the person, once it was over. they were wrong. i regret this five minutes away relationship a lot more.

breathe, erase, reset.

happy independence day

Tuesday, August 14, 2012


dusk was settling in through the half open windows when she finally opened her eyes and grudgingly kicked the duvet to the floor. night time already?

what a waste of life. but it was better than being awake. those long empty hours. maybe she'd stay in bed for just a bit longer just staring at the ceiling. cold and lonesome. a hard change to make, having that bed to herself. without a warm body to sleep next to. she reached out to the bedside table, found a half a cigarette, and searched with her fingers for a matchbox. with all her energy, she rose, put the cigarette to her mouth and tried, and tried to light the matchstick unsuccessfully. oh that's right, the empty glass lying on the floor reminded her, she'd spilled water all over her table in drunken haze last night.

who was he, the man from last night? just a blur in her memory, he hadn't even left a piece of evidence except for her unreliable recollections from last night. the last thing she remembered, was laughing, throwing her heels to him while they stumbled home from the bar together. what was his name again? couldn't remember. did they do it? she stood up from her bed, catching the wall as the head rush blinded her.

as her vision returned, she assessed the room around her. the day was breathing its last and orangeish light was streaming in the way she liked it. the creaky wooden floors were cluttered with clothes and piles of books and papers. she stumbled to the gas stove across the room with her cigarette, looking for the lighter. her phone blinked next to the stove. she unlocked it, already dreading her choice. battery low. no messages. one missed call from her mom. anger boiled up and she threw her phone against the wall in rage screaming in frustration. the phone broke into three pieces as it fell to the floor.

anger kept rising. she looked frantically for the lighter and found it under a mug. sweet relief of nicotine. she took a drag, and went to the window. ever since she was a little girl, she loved to sit at the window and watch the world go by. and now, she watched the day pass and awaited the cover of night. in the quietude of the world, she found comfort. in a dark corner of the bar, she found peace. nothing satiated her like liquor. not reading a book, which she would restlessly throw to the floor in a few minutes. not cleaning her room, which would bring back memories that she kept suppressed. no. sleep and liquor. those were her friends. they dulled the pain like nothing else.

and the men. she smiled when she looked out. they would come expectantly to her place, and if they were lucky, she would be able to withhold the puke and they would haphazardly fumble under the sheets. if she was lucky, he would stay till morning. and then he would disappear.

they all leave in the end.

Monday, August 13, 2012

what a brilliant summer this is. can't wait for it to end.
just goes to show that the minute you let your guard down, the minute you decide to be happy, BAM life punches you in the gut, leaving you breathless and shaking.

fuck naruto. fuck his tshirt. fuck the notes. fuck the cd. fuck the letter. fuck these emotions. fuck mugsy and fuck moot.

this generation needs to get some fucking integrity and grow the fuck up.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

heres what i've lost.

desire to wake up
desire to get out of bed
desire to make breakfast
desire to eat

desire to talk
desire to laugh
desire to sleep

and repeat.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

never been more in the mood to give someone a piece of my mind. someone. anyone.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

half of all the world's family drama would end if, at dinner, families watched cartoon network instead of a soap opera.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

i play so far away by dire straits a million times each night because it expresses everything  i want to say to you about how much i miss you. then i get sick of it. then i turn it off. then i play it a million times again the next night.

Saturday, August 4, 2012


it's a funny thing, having a place in your heart, or your mind, or whatever, that's reserved for a ball of white, pure, hot anger, that never ceases to burn, that will never run out, that keeps you fueled for life, and that no matter what you do or don't do or think or forgive, that place won't go away, and its existence pains your existence, but somehow keeping it for all these years has made you form yourself to a shape that can accommodate that anger, and keep it within you but without you, keep it hidden yet very much alive, like a crazed convict with a maniacal laughter that resounds off of dungeon walls, but that you shush in the presence of good company, that you keep quiet in the presence of any company actually, because this secret of yours, this precocious secret, it can't be let out, no matter how much it tries to break through from within, no matter how angry or upset it makes you, no matter if it makes you want to tear the head off the person that has caused its birth, because it's your secret you know, and you're scared what kind of rampage it would cause were it to be let out, and if it were let out would it lose its power, or would you lose your fuel? is it even the right kind of fuel? you've tried to quell it a million times over the years, try and try and even then when you see the face that caused it you can think to yourself that you may be over it, but then the white, pure, hot ball of anger starts to bubble and cause trouble and you hope that your eyes don't leak out the secret that they have to withhold, because if they do, no, that would be a catastrophe and families would burn down, or would they, maybe no one would actually care, maybe the reason for the fuel in your life is meaningless to other people, so no, this secret you hold on to yourself like a lunatic till your grave, and perhaps in your grave before the sand finally covers you, you can point to someone, and whisper this horrible secret into their ear and finally die in peace, hoping that perhaps some justice will be brought, and that anger which caused so much suffering will bear fruit, but even if it doesn't, you did your part, you didn't hurt anyone, you kept it within for so many years, and now you can let go in peace and close your eyes and not be haunted by memories that make you scream in humiliation, but instead dream in the blackness of your mind of a white light that is going to comfort you in your final moment. where you will finally be safe.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

on being home

I don't know why mothers never seem to think that their child eats enough. Never will a mother say, "Gosh, beta, one more roti? Don't you think you've had enough?" (Except for my aunt, who's got a child as heavy as a baby elephant. Seriously, no joke. And he's eleven. He's on food patrol.)

So, following suit, when my mother saw me after a year, she immediately pounced on my emaciated health, raggedy clothes (both of which, I'd thought, were perfectly fine) and general pathetic state of being. You know you've slipped low in the world when your mother refused to be seen with you in those chappals. That, or a severe generation gap.

I knew she meant it all in kindness, however. So I begrudgingly (haha) went for the shopping trips, bought myself a decent pair of shoes, some new pants. (Another weird thing about my mother (and I could go on and on) is that she always insists on buying clothes that are size S. Now, I don't know if she's making up for when she had to buy XXL clothes for me when I was ten or what, but damn those clothes make it hard for me to breathe! And I came home to eat, not to worry about love handles that would be going to waste anyway!)

Another awesome thing about my apparently anorexic form (which in itself is laughable because I weigh ten kilos more than some of my other friends) is that I now get to take vitamin supplements. Lemme explain to you why they're awesome. This means you can eat all the junk in the world, and be sure that your body is getting the nutrients it needs. Calcium, magnesium, iron, vitamins A to Z or whatever. It's awesome. And, just by the way, it starts making your hair and skin awesome! Goodbye frizz, hello healthy shiny hair!

Sure they nag, crib and whine about they way you're wasting your life away, but in the end, if you know how to balance it right, being with family can be beneficial for both parties. Never thought that was possible.

Discovering books that you used to read when you were twelve is like reuniting with your old best friends.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Uff this prolonged longing for the long gone.