Tuesday, July 31, 2012

You know, the scary thing about relationships is that there is no way you can hide who are you from the person you are in a relationship with. Whatever odd quirky eccentricity you have will be revealed to the other person in due course of time. And that can be scary for those of us who don't fart out butterflies, if you get what I'm saying.

There are lots of things we spruce up before we head out the door. Hair, makeup, contact lenses - yes. Weird habits, granny panties, dysfunctional childhood, etc - under the bed. But this person, with whom you're about to share every being of your self with, they're going to know all about everything. And you just have to hope that they'll stick with you despite it. Or if you're lucky, because of it.

So I was lucky enough to meet someone who forced me to be myself on an everyday basis. Here are some things I've done with him that I don't usually do with anyone except maybe sometimes my really close friends. Or not even them (the PG rated list)

1. Wore my glasses in the mornings.
2. Left my hair in an unruly mess.
3. Cried my heart out.
4. Cooked horrible food for (which he still ate and complimented)
5. Thrown up in front of and been a disgusting drunk mess in general.
6. Expressed my weird need that he be in his own house so I could... you know.. shit. (Funny story.. he thought I  had problems with him because I was telling him to go home for such a ridiculous reason.)
7. Told him how I actually feel about him (the good and the bad)
8. Talked about family. And future dreams.
9. Named our imaginary child Momo.
10. Eaten in my full messy glory. With mayonnaise dripping down my chin and whatnot.

There's probably lots of other things. And the thing is, I learned so many things about him that I normally wouldn't know, and that make him the person that he is. I'm glad that I got to know someone so damn well.

Ironically, when I told my first boyfriend that I wanted to get to know him completely, he completely stopped calling. Ah well, probably didn't have much to say.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A lot of self reflection has been happening lately. Mostly because there's just so much goddamn time to think about things. And I realized that sometimes, it's just really hard to talk to people. Just some people. Actually a lot people. These people come in the category of those that I have some respect for and want to keep talking to.

See, the people who I don't care about are really easy to talk to. Because, deep down, I think I have a superiority complex somewhere. I say what's on my mind and dare them to judge me. Low risk involved with these sorts of people. Being myself with these people is what actually helped me have the most interesting conversations.

Then, there's the close friends. The people I love and trust. Those are easy as well. Even if we don't communicate for days on end, I know it will be the same.

Then there's the horde of outside friends with whom occur the awkward conversations. The conversations are only good for short witty banter (if lucky) or awkwardly asking about their families. And other awkward areas of life and sordidness.

You know who's fault it is? My mother's. For feeding me when I was young and making me so fat that no one ever talked to me, hence robbing me of gaining the skill of social interaction.

I miss that chubby girl. She had it all figured out. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

If God has a plan for everyone, why are there homeless people?

I mean, what if that's the plan for me? To live a decrepit life of poverty in a box under a highway, brains addled by cheap liquor and heroine, with a graying cat named Cat for company? Wrinkly and haggard.

I think I'd walk with a staff. And slouch towards happy kids, prophesizing of the return of the Great Toad of Yore with great and dramatic hand gestures. And a missing tooth.

That could be a plan. Hmmm.

Day Huh What?

So I realized, I'm really bad at sticking to a resolution that involves daily activity. And I also start a lot of sentences with 'So'. And 'Anyway.'

So, anyway, here I am to rant about your timing, and the timing of the universe. I was struck with the realization that, a long time ago, after a year of longing, after I had finally moved on, God took notice of my earlier wish, and so set in motion a series of events that were to cause everyone a lot of pain, but would in the end result in the fulfillment of the aforementioned wish.

Here's the story.

Boy meets Girl. Girl likes boy. Boy is dating someone else. Girl wishes she would stand a chance. Boy ignores Girl. Girl starts moving on, finding love in someone else. Boy and girlfriend start fighting. Girl falls for other boy. Boy and girlfriend kind of break up. Girl meets Boy again. Girl is dating someone else. Boy and Girl talk, laugh and fucking fall for each other. boyfriend hurt. girlfriend hurt. Hence Boy and Girl hurt.

God: Whaaat, I gave you what you wanted, didn't I? Kids these days.

True, true. Boy and Girl pick up the pieces. Make a new puzzle. Try to fit the pieces together the best that they can. That's what it's all about, in the end, isn't it? That, and a few chocolate tarts here and there.

But now we have to slowly dissemble the pieces of the puzzle.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

day 10

Thoughts of the day!

1) Haircuts suck.
2) Long car drives have started making me nauseous. Thank you Pune.
3) I miss everything but this place.
4) He did it again! 
5) I really can't stick to a decision.
6) I haven't had many thoughts today.

Oh and good news! I might still have a future!

Friday, July 13, 2012

day 9

In order to not get hurt in life, you must remember that people are expendable. The people who remain in your life deserve to stay there, but the ones you keep fighting to keep... after a point you have to realize that you must let go. There will be more. Maybe that seems like looking into a gloomy void right now. But eventually the void will decrease to a light at the end of a lonesome tunnel. If it doesn't, hey, I'm sure you should go back and call that person. Because maybe you've got some past life karma to work out. Maybe. Bollywood movies have made me think a little fantastically. Fantasyishly? You get the point right?

You know what's annoying though? The person who you've finally decided to let go of, gives a reason for his or her behaviour, and you decide to rethink your decision to let them go. And then they go and do the same thing again. And then again you must steel your heart and be ready to let them go. And again they apologize. And so it continues.

At this point, you must realize that you definitely do have a past life connection. It's almost always with the people we find hardest to detach from.

Children are always fascinating. Without any current life karma. I mean, I'm sure no kid would hold a lifetime grudge if another kid ate his crayons. 

What if there was a child? What if that child was somehow symbolic of something? I don't know yet what it could be symbolic of. A deep connection between two people? Well that's pretty obvious. Is it symbolic of some weird connection? A reason that they will never let go? Is it symbolic of something we are trying to avoid having to face? Why is it, sorry he or she, there? 

What is this strange bond between a mother and a child? What thoughts come into her head about the father? It's really scary to imagine this happening. There's a wall there, stopping any thoughts from being thought. An anvil which squashes any thoughts that might come up.

This is definitely not the time. But I don't know what this connection is, between you and me. But it's there. Even if  I tried to get away from it. Even if tomorrow I decided not to talk to you the entire day. I don't know if I could. The thought of not talking to you an entire day is really scary. 

If I write an auto biography, it would start like this, "Once upon a time, my life was carefree and idyllic. Then one day, I met you." 

Okay so it's not one of the most inspired things I've come up with. Shall keep working on that. In the meantime, if you're reading this, please don't feel bad like you are prone to feeling after things like this. By some insane fucking karmic logic, I still love you. 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Day 7

Sometimes things fall apart. And then they fall apart some more. You just gotta hold on tight, and hope for the best. 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Day 6

And here I thought, something that bad couldn't possibly ever happen. No way in hell.

What a difference an extra line makes. 

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Day 3

7th July 2012

Imagine this.

Flashback style.

It's around 8 o'clock. I'm in front of my mirror, with a million clothes strewn across my bed. Can't decide what to wear. Then I think, fuck this it's not like he'll notice anyway. It's just momos and pani puri. Just him and me. Then I look in the mirror again and change into something else. The phone beeps. He's left Camelot, walking now, almost at the gate (didn't I tell him to text when he was leaving his house?!) and come down now. Shit, not even done with eyeliner, no more time to change! Rush rush. I say bye to the roommates, and skedaddle down. Or rather, wait for the painfully slow lift to get to the 5th floor. He's already called again.

"Where are youuu? Come down quick re!"

"Yes, yes just a sec."

I walk out towards the gate, heart beating JUST a little faster, already smiling widely though I try to look casual and all cool and shit. Can't help it man. There he is, standing, talking on the phone to his parents, smoking a cigarette. I smile at him and we start walking towards the momos guy. While on the phone, he notices me walking on the outside. So he grabs my waist, as only he is allowed to do, and pulls me towards the inside so he can walk on the outside. I was almost waiting for this. I like his arms around me. I like walking next to him, as he's talking to his mom.

"Yes ma, don't worry. Yes, I'll get it done, don't worry. Yes tell dad also. Alright ma, love you too good night!" Click.

Always abrupt. We talk and trip each other and punch each other and laugh till we reach the momo guy. I sulk over something he says about my nose or something, and then he sulks when I sulk so I have to stop sulking. While we wait for our momos, he tells me about his "fascinating" game of DoTA and how what's his name did something to someone else and something happened. I nod along, inserting "really? wow!" at the right moments. He rambles on, blissfully unaware of my stupor. It's just that when he talks, he animates things so much that his face tends to light up, especially his eyes. I've noticed his eyes before. They kinda sparkle. Like once they were actually sparkling. I couldn't listen to what he was saying. Like what was happening at this moment. Luckily, we're done with our food, pay up, and head towards home. Screw the pani puri, I'm really tired.

"Biryani from Tastebuds, then?," he asks. Sure, why not. He makes random conversation with the restaurant guy, while I roll my eyes and smile at him when he comes back. "What?!" he says. He knows that look by now. I've given it enough times.

We head back. He holds my hand. I slip it out. He gets offended. Then I hold on tight to his hand, and he tries to free it. "Rape, somebody help! She's raping me!" he yells. After some struggle, I let go. Fine, be that way. So he laughs and reaches for my hand again.

Fastforward to getting a plate and eating the biryani. I'm not really hungry. but he feeds me anyway. It's always so good! While we're watching Naruto, I try to snuggle in and do nice cute things, and he swats me away because I apparently "have to watch this part! It's AWESOME!" It is awesome. But that boy has to straighten out his priorities. After the episode is over, he will ask me three times atleast what I think of the show. Because he thinks I'm not interested. But I am! It is quite nice. Not the best thing since sliced bread, but still. He remains unconvinced.

After a few episodes, I get up to get water, and I find him sprawled on the mattress, already passed out.

"Oye! Wake up and go sleep inside the room. Mugsy? Mugsy!" Gotta yell. If that man passes out, it is beyond my powers to wake him up again.

"Gimme ten. Go, I'll be there in a second."

"Are you sure?"

Grunts something. I go inside.

Half an hour later, I go back and shake him awake. Success! He gets up and goes to the room and immediately passes out. I sigh, try to roll him a little away so I have space, and climb in next to him.

"Good night Mugsy" I lie down, kiss him, turn around and go to sleep. Just as I'm about to fall off the bed, he, still sleeping, puts his arm around me. Bliss.

Now I'm typing this from a very comfy spacious bed, very far away from him. 8,322.9 kilometers to be precise. Sigh.

Friday, July 6, 2012

Day 2

6th July, 2012

Okay, so the writing every day thing didn't happen as planned. Missed a day. Blame the jetlag?

So last night, we had The Talk, Him and I. And last night was the last conversation we had while still together. And we also managed to sort out the mess from the night I left. Which he didn't realize was a mess apparently. This whole decision was very strange. Inspired by a friend of his? Maybe. Hm, anger is rising again. I can't let jealousy consume me again. This is why the break up is supposed to be a good thing, and I'm supposed to be happy about whoever he meets again.

What a task. Anyway, I look forward to when I will see him again. It seems like an impossibly long time away, but it will happen. I don't know where we will be in our lives.

Home, man. Home is awesome. It's just the people outside that are frustrating. If only the people I loved from college and everything were here, where it's beautiful and I have my parents with me. And where people are not so fucking racist. Honestly, can the world not fucking grow up? How can you possibly be racist in the 21st century! Next time, I swear I'm gonna punch that guy in the face.

At least the internet speed is awesome. Also looking forward to meeting the Embassy people here. Haven't interacted with uncles and aunties and little annoying kids in so long! I know I'll regret saying that later, but for now I'm a little nostalgic.

I don't know why anybody would be interesting in reading this.

Anywayyy off to my new chick flick of the day: What's Your Number?


Day 0

Hello, I've decided to become a proper writer and write. Er, yes. So basically it's the end of an era, college is over, my relationship is over, I'm in a new country, and there's not much to do here near the North Pole. Writing becomes the only escape. I'd promised myself that I'd write every day, and I will try to stick to that as much as I can.

Here's something from during commute.

5th July, 2012

Well here I am, finally writing in this diary almost three years after it was given to me. I finally made it on time for my flight to S, which never would have happened after pretty much one of the top ten most fucked up travel experiences ever. Been crying on and off for the whole flight because of the really weird last conversation I had with him before I left. It's kind of my fault for not charging my phone. Hence I couldn't talk to him throughout the whole ordeal. It was horrible, the last conversation. And because of stupid Air India!! Fucking telling me they're overbooked. Fucktards. Anyway, I've decided to write everyday for this grieving period that would mark the expected yet still tragic end of the relationship. And to rant about the missing fucking period. I detect a lot of anger inside me. Nooo, my phone died! AGAIN. Great. Hopefully my parents have faith in my arriving to Stockholm in one piece. Every blonde kid looks like AR, my God. Small gene pool this side of the world.

Funny thing is, when I got off at Vienna, and saw outside the really large windows, all I could think was, "Great, this again." I think I heard some Malayalam in the bathroom just now. Made me feel happy. I miss India. And everyone. I hope I don't sulk away this vacation.

Cheers to plans of swimming! Now when will boarding start??

(Must write about failed hair straightening attempt and airplane journey later.)