Friday, April 20, 2012

Once I had a strange love
a mad sort of insane love
a love so fast and fierce I thought I'd die

yes once I had a strange love
a pure but very pained love
a love that burned like fire through a field

That's a song I've heard many times, but it never made such an impact as it did this afternoon. Guess you have to live something before you can truly relate to it, empathize with it. I do not envy the writer who had to undergo such a painful love before writing poetry such as this. I really and truly don't.

I can feel another chapter in my life closing, and instead of the romcom I thought my life had turned into, it seems more and more like a play by Tennessee Williams or a tragedy by Marquez, and I never saw it coming. Or maybe I did and thought he'd be there by my side no matter what. What illogical thoughts. Yes, he's right. This was never meant to be forever. But somewhere, I thought that was because of circumstance, not by choice. Unfortunately it looks like I've pushed someone so close to the edge, that finally he's decided to jump off the deep end himself. I can't feel bad for being in circumstances that I knew I'd eventually fall into sooner or later. 

Yes, I'm insecure, and I have been for quite a while. It's not something that goes away, because it's embedded really deeply in my side of this relationship. And no matter how much I want you, it's just so difficult to uproot certain things from my mind. I know, I know all the things you've said about how stupid my insecurity is. Believe me, I try to fight it. But I don't like it if other people treat you as if you belong to them. I don't like it when I sometimes remember some of the things you've told me, which have broken my heart. And every time I remember them, they break my heart all over again.

It's not something that can go away so quickly. It's something that would take ages to fix. Time we don't have. And why would you want to waste the remaining few weeks here with someone who is bound to act psychotic? I don't trust in myself to make any promises about changing the way I am. 

The things that were said to me yesterday, they'll stick with me for a while. They were like little rocks, or needles right into my eyes. Not really pretty. And I'm wondering how much of it is true, and it is that process of wonderment that is making me hesitant  currently. 

Right now, I want you to be happy. And I know there are enough and more people who can do that. I feel useless knowing that I can't. What we have, or had, was (is?) really really amazing. It's something I'll cherish because I'd grown to love someone more than what I thought were my limits. I've realized so many things in this relationship, and I'll treasure so many happy memories once I leave this place. It's just that I feel like you're done with this, and that scares me more than anything. If that is your choice, then that is your choice and I can't stop you because I would hate to force or guilt you into staying with me, because then, you're doing it out of guilt, not love.                                                      

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