Monday, March 12, 2012

Ah, the misery of waking up in the morning with the realization that you are, in fact, a horrible person.

There's something to be said about having belief in oneself. I can't remember what that something is right now due to my severe altercation in self perception, but I remember from the fond memories of yester year (or yesterday actually) that this belief gives you the strength to voice opinions, to be yourself and to make everyday decisions. Now that you don't even know who you are, how can you know how you like your eggs?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm dead inside. I mean, there is a mechanism in there that has probably broken down and shut me off from all happy emotions. Nah, that sounds too melodramatic.

Maybe it's something else. I've never had this sort of intimacy with anyone before. Someone on whom I rely on so much. I don't even rely on my parents this much. Instead of being one of my closest friends, he's become the center of my world. And that's really really bad. I think it's destroying both of us. It needs to change.

I can't begin to say how sorry I am for unleashing this on you. I knew it would come out eventually, but I never realized it would be so bad. But it has to stop now, I promise. Not for you, but for me. It's taking me away from who I am.

I want to be the old me again.