Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The latest philosophy I've started adhering to in life is the one that states that to be really happy, you have to let yourself be vulnerable. Vulnerable to pain, to rejection, to disappointment. Because unless you put yourself out there and break out of your shell, you'll always be content, but you'll never be happy.

And that wasn't an inviting thought.. to never be happy. Of course I wanted to be happy. In an effort to break out of my shell, I took some steps that didn't make me feel like myself. Suddenly, it's like I'm a whole new person. One who gets mad really easily, edgy all the time, who won't stand for any sort of bullshit.

What happened to the old me? The one who used to be a nice, considerate, generous person? Who was everyone's friend? Suddenly it's like that person sunk somewhere deep down, and all these years of pent up emotion are emerging out like when you mix baking powder and soda or something like that.

Now, when I look at him, I think, this is what I've wanted for the longest time. How in the world did I end up getting it? It scares me. Is this for real? Is it actually happening? I keep my shields up, even though I want to let them down. I really do. I want to tell him he means so much, but I stop myself. That's not who we are. But does he see me the way I see him? He'll never tell me. So I keep my shields up. They're very important, you know. No, I can't let myself be vulnerable. Can't get hurt again. I'm happy being just content for now.

We're living in a time bomb. We know when it will go off.

You know what I wish? I wish I was normal. I really do. I wish I could go back to being the book worm who sits quietly and reads, and does all her homework properly. She was pretty happy, although she'd always wanted what I have now. Sometimes I wonder what I would say to her. I would apologize for screwing things up. I'd tell her she had a lot of good things in store for her. So many beautiful memories. I'd tell her to stop being harsh with herself. She was an awesome person, and she grew up trying to be like the rest of them. I'll bring her back. Enough of this.