Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Run On

I just had this epiphany and I wanted to write it down really fast before I lost the epiphanical sense and thought it was crap like my over critical virgo self (apparently) and hence I shan't use any punctuation also because someone writes like that and I wanted to see what joy they get out of it actually it seems quite fun my mind is getting dizzy as we speak or as i type whatever man jeez anyway so the epiphany goes like something like erm wait hang on must keep typing and thinking at the same time its kinda hard ok got it so Google asked me if I wanted to change my location to India seeing as I've "changed my location" (yeah for the past six months Google nice catch) so I got this horrible guilty feeling in my heart because I realized that I didn't really want to since Google the normal home page felt cooler than the Indian home page then I thought was I being disloyal to my country and bending to Western stereotypes about how the West is much cooler and the Indian one is kinda just sub standard was that the person I was becoming after all my trying to be a non stereotypical NRI type person guess the truth will out huh so Google has asked me this twice already and each time I got this weird twinge of guilt so I'd just hit ignore but then that's me being me again avoiding my problems so this time I decided to face up to what I wanted HELL IF I WANTED THE REGULAR GOOGLE I'D HAVE IT FOR JIMINY'S SAKE so I declined to request to use Google India and although I did have a twinge of guilt in the end atleast I was being true to myself and that's what counts the end.

BREATHE.

Phew.

My brain literally hurts. I don't know how people live without punctuation.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Revisit

I used to think I was good at expressing what I felt, atleast with the written word. It used to be true until this situation I got stuck in. Literally like stuck between a rock and a hard place. But after a whole lot of miserable existence, I’ve had enough. After all, how long can a person whine and complain and be negative? My fourth grade teacher had labeled me as a happy camper, and I’d like to do her a bit of justice.

You were the best thing to come my way, in all my life, but for some reason, I couldn’t reciprocate. I’m sorry I became sidetracked. But it all became so overwhelming. I don’t want to write for sympathy. I’m not asking anyone to feel sorry for my position, because I deserve it and I’ll take my dues. Happily. Shout at me. Yell. Make me feel like the lowliest piece of crap on the planet, because I know I deserve it. But you didn’t do any of that. You couldn’t be mad at me.

Cue in the biggest guilt trip ever. Part two.

I still don’t know what I want. The thing is, if you and I.. if we lived in the same city, I would come back. Does that make my love seem shallow? Should I be ready to face all hurdles? I know you are. You’ve always been ready. And I was too, until I started looking for the little things. And they were all missing. They just weren’t there. Meeting you felt like a special occasion. And that was something we both knew from the start. But then, I just didn’t know how I’d feel about it six months down the line.

When my friends would complain about not seeing their boyfriend all day, I’d secretly grow angry. I hadn’t seen you in three weeks! What right did they have to complain when I never did? Celebrating anniversaries became passé for them while for me, it was still so new and exciting, because hey! We were going strong! I guess with the distance, I never took you for granted.

That’s why I never wanted to let you go. You understood like no one ever did. I felt more comfortable with you. No one understood my moods like you did. And you know, despite every impractical, illogical, crazy, bitchy mood swing I threw at you, you were right there by my side. Who does that? It felt incredible.

That’s why I still don’t want you to go. Or if you do, please come back. There’s no one else I can see myself with in the future. And what with life taking me in directions I don’t know, I know that having a claim and then not having you – that’s hard for me. Then temptations come and I think, wouldn’t it be nice to have someone who I can see every day? So what if, you know, the connection wasn’t as amazing as ours? It’s good enough.

Good enough.

Good enough with someone there, or amazing with someone not there? That’s the decision I’ve been trying to make.

Maybe I’ve been running away from something so deep. That could make sense. This new relationship that’s sprung up… it’s not as intense. It’s very in the moment. It’s like that moment when you’re underwater for a really long time, and then come up for a breath. Because I can go back to being in my shell. In my comfort zone. It’s a relief because I know he doesn’t have that power over me, not yet. I spend time with him because it makes me happy with no strings attached. We don’t have tags, and more than anything, we’re friends.

I want you to be happy. I want you to know that you have me whenever you need me. But right now, I can't come back. I need to do this for myself.

I’m tired of trying to keep everyone placated. Of trying desperately not to hurt anyone. I’m tired of thinking.