Thursday, March 15, 2018

Hey there. Here I am back again. I realize it's been almost a year or two now? It's strange how long these gaps have become. At one point, it felt like gaps were a good thing. No news is good news right? Well lately that's not really been the case. It's been a strange and difficult phase and I don't know what to do except put it into words. Although I really wish right now that no one I know reads this blog because the practice of writing is for me, to be able to express without feeling the weight of balancing another person's expectations.

Lately that's what its been about. Balancing other's expectations. Lately I can't seem to hold a conversation with someone without feeling like you and I have nothing in common, and everything to weigh us down. Lately the conversations I've had have felt stretched and I find myself making eye contact less and less with people. People I love and care about. Not the shady people that you should avoid generally. I guess that's why I had started writing in the first place - to begin to make eye contact with myself. To stretch the muscle of dialogue within myself before I extend it to other people.

Stephen Hawking died yesterday. It's a little sad that we give the most spotlight to someone like him once they're gone. And after a few days, that spotlight will fade too. I wonder if there will be other great minds to remind us to look up at the stars and believe in our infinte potential.

Do we have infinite potential though? I watched videos of Sadhguru today who said something similar, about believing that our mind and body are capable of things we cannot fathom. It's a comforting thought when you're struggling with day to day tasks I suppose. If it's true, it's scary that instead, this is how we choose to live our lives.

I guess there hasn't been any intent to this post, except to write again. I hope over the next days I can write more, read more, do more things that bring me peace and joy. That's the hope. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

well, it's been a while. it feels a little awkward, like trying to run after so many months of inactivity, or intimacy with a faceless stranger when you've not had quite enough alcohol. but you take a deep breath or close your eyes and jump off the edge.

how did we become strangers? how did you transform from the person i fell in love with to an apathetic cloud in my life? how did you wash your hands clean of any responsibility? 

i spoke to my friend recently. messaged her with the intention of sharing my prophecy of dying alone eventually. i found out she was having an even tougher day. twinge of guilt. more so because of a bar incident a couple of years ago which eventually led her feeling like this today. human emotions are complex. we shouldn't be allowed to invest ourselves in one person, or for longer than six months. we need to learn our lessons. the first six months are always happy. they're deceitful.

how do i explain to you how you need to be better? yes, i need to feel valued and loved and cared for. i don't need bravado or swagger or bold claims or gyaan. i want affection and emotional vulnerability. not to be checklisted. 

i was bored one weekday and went on a horoscope matching website. terrible idea. when you're feeling low about your love life, the worst thing you can do is go to one of these websites and learn you're one of the most incompatible sun signs, destined to a life destitute of love. why is it easy to fall out of love so easily? why isnt love everlasting and complete, like the stories in books and movies? why does it become mundane and stale, like dishes lying in the sink with food on them?

i want the old you back. the innocent person who walked into my house at 3am and walked out with a handshake. the person who would make plans and put an effort into what we were doing that night. who would bring me cupcakes if i were upset, call me randomly to speak for hours, randomly bring a rose when we're about to meet, or just be sweet. who wouldn't make meeting me sound like a chore.

who wouldnt call me his property. 

who is this person?

i think, medically, i should not be allowed to be involved with anyone. life is much simpler when you live without expectations, without becoming mentally unstable. the bigger question is, why do i need someone to bring a sense of value and love into my life? but without that, i don't understand the point of a relationship. why don't we stop calling it that, and just be friends who casually hook up?

i cant go through all of this again. i want to be a hermit, and live deep in a forest with no humans for company. it will be lonely, but at least it wont be disappointing.

Saturday, September 26, 2015

Starting to understand why people go for therapy.

I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I don't react to things the same way. I don't care for things the same way. I don't want to be that person any more.

What infuriates me is that you think I'm that same person. That I overreact and become difficult over little things. That's the opposite of who I am usually. I'm not fazed by the small things, I don't let people get to me. And even if they do, the last thing I would do is show it to them.

Now, I'm great at my job, I have new friends, I care about different things, I have new opinions. You don't know this side. Do you? Do you know the side that tells people off for staring at her in the metro? That can counsel little kids and get them to go to class because that's the only way they'll become a police officer? That goes and chills with her grandparents and tells them not to worry too much? Who works day and night and stressed about her work, because this is something that makes me proud? Who's trying really hard to be a better person, read more, be more kind, who cares about the way the world works, who worries for her family, and wants to travel more, and be more independent, and learn how to drive, and figure out what to do with her life without worrying about the unnecessary entanglements of a fling or romance?

I'm not the person I was three years ago, however much I liked that person. That person whose happiness depended on you, who you could break with one whisper. But you dive into the core of me and fish her out. I don't need that person. Leave her be. 

Saturday, May 16, 2015

"What's that, there in the middle?"
"Well, that's the shadow of your heart."

What a saddening thought, to imagine the shadow of your heart. How do I explain it to you? It's the dull, lingering ache that your heart puts up with, no matter what it does. The inevitability of it, the absoluteness. Wherever your heart goes, along comes the shadow, with its baggage.

The heart is pretty strong though. No matter how bruised and broken it gets, it tapes itself back together. The goddamn shadow just gets a little longer.

It tries to talk sometimes. The shadow I mean. Reminding me of its presence, making it hard to breathe. But that's when you have to squeeze your eyes shut as tight as you can, hum so the vibrations in your body shake things up and it shuts the fuck up. Because you've listened enough, too much. No more now. No more.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

being in love with you feels like the default setting in my life now. if i turn the lights off, you'll be the glow in the dark stars on my ceiling. thinking about you seems like the most natural thing to do. i don't know now if to me, you are love or a habit. 

you've hijacked all the corners of my poetic memory. there hasn't been space in there for another person for years. i don't know how to overturn the box, shake every association of you out, and start over. it's confusing to be with someone else because when i close my eyes before i go to sleep, it's not him i think about but you. everything else seems superfluous, a phase. even if they're the tectonic plates, you'd be the inner core. your constantness inside of me. it's confusing. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

What is intimacy?
To me, it's
Haha no, not really.
Well maybe, a bit.

It is telling him
About the dream you had last night;
About your fear
Drowning under colossal waves;
About shopping for groceries
And arguing over gherkins.
It is about reminding
Him that he's capable and smart;
That he can get there if he wants;
That his friends are there
For him, and his dad
Really does love him.

It is cleaning the kitchen
Together, or rolling a joint while
He cooks Christmas dinner.
It is watching the sky turn
It is seeing him laugh across the room
With strangers and
Rescuing him because you can tell he's faking.

It is sharing what you write,
Or telling him how you'll
Raise your kids.
It is sharing a
Secret that you both protect
From everyone else.

It makes the whole greater than its parts.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

It's the fourth day of the New Year and so far, the feeling of new beginnings haven't ebbed away completely. Lots of revelations though. It's been a strange few weeks, with a lot of futile introspection. I've realized I really dislike being alone. But I also can't stand the company of people. 

Yesterday, I had to go to work for a meeting. The office was pretty empty because it was a Saturday, and after the meeting (and taking advantage of the internet to download a few torrents), I went to lunch at Evergreens. In the midst of the hustle bustle of this restaurant (why it was busy even at 4 PM, I have no idea), I sat there by myself and looked around. Friends talking, families eating together, uncles, aunties, firangs, waiters. So much conversation all around me, and I felt relieved to have the peace to observe all these people. Just so happy to be able to order my aloo parantha in peace, and not have to talk to anyone. Also, there's a rarity attached to the occurrence of a girl in Delhi eating alone at a restaurant. Why people  here don't like being by themselves once in a while, I'll never know. 

Anyway, I realized I've started enjoying solitude more than company, and I wonder if that should be a a warning signal. But I've really had it with small talk. Is that making me antisocial? Every day I wonder what sort of person I am. It's a little tiring.